Lost in time (Leave me there, reality bites hard and fast)

Can it really be past the middle of March already? Am i almost going to turn the big 2-5? Almost impossible it seems, but yet, it is real. Aging has become a part of my life that I can't believe has set in. I had this thought, that you know you're old when you say "Oh i just sat for my O Levels awhile back" but then you realise, that your younger sister is actually done with HER O Levels, and just bought a spanking new lappie for Poly. Wow. Time flies huh?

And as all old fogies do when they realise that the precious sands of time are beginning to slip through their fingers at an irreversibly quick speed, I too, have begun to do much reminiscing. With so much of my time spent at work, I find that each moment has become all the more special and to be cherished. I no longer am able to take my three hour naps as often as I wish, or watch some random MTV, I no longer can go for the many coffees, have the many glasses of wine. Movies aren't a regular outing, but a rare treat I indulge in every 3 weeks or so. And my fave activity of supermarketing has cut down to about once a month. Tres sad, I daresay.

I'm missing my Life. I'm missing it so greatly at times, I wish I woke up, and the present was gone, and I somehow was placed back in the past. If for but only a moment in time. I'd do it. For that one minute, I can walk down Bank Street and pop into Peko Peko for the world's BEST cafe latte and Honey Chicken. For a drive down St Kilda Road, and a simple sketch by the beach. I long for the day, when I enjoyed my cigarette (one good thing, is that I've kicked the habit now!) with nothing but a book and a hot G.T. I miss the time when personal space was not a luxury that I had to fight to enjoy, but rather, a daily life that I was living.

Will I ever feel that freedom again? To be cut loose and left out there alone, to fend for myself. Where the choice of getting out of bed, and to DO something was solely up to me. I wonder, i ponder and I wait. And until that time comes, I can only dream. For dreaming takes me out of this world, and back into time where there were no boundaries. And my dreams were real.

Love just ain't enough.

What makes it work?
What makes WHAT work?
Let's talk about relationships for a bit.

Hmm. Let's just think what makes them work? Firstly, I think it's imperative to have a sense of equality and fairness, for both parties, to be in play. I mean, it has to be a 50-50 situation, doesn't it? But in actuality, is it that way? No it isn't. At any one given time, I don't believe people exist in a split 50-50 relationship. It's more like today you're going to be giving 70 while I'm giving 30, but then, tomorrow it might just be a reverse. Frustrating as it is, that is just how relationships work!

Now, the confusing things about relationships is, when should someone say I GIVE UP? When they aren't serious? When it isn't real? I ask you, is loving another simply a task that you do during a committed period of your life? Or is Loving Someone an entire lifestyle overhaul that a person must undertake in order to call that OTHER someone their significant other? I choose the second. But then, though I feel that the second is what defines what Love, and a Loving Relationship is, my opinion is that Humans are somewhat incapable nowadays of being truly committed to that Significant Other.

I don't really get what I'm trying to say at this point, and it irks me because normally my flow of words comes easily. Let me not digress, and go back to the main focus once more.

What makes a Relationship work? The answer lies right in that VERY sentence. WORK>
A relationship is a Work-In-Progress - it doesn't have an ending to it, like the wrapping up of a project, or the closing of a book. It doesn't have several chapters that one must go through. Well, it kinda does have chapters in a way, but it doesn't end. And if the Relationship ends? Then it wouldn't really be considered much of a relationship to begin with anyway! :( I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense. I just needed a space to vent.

And vent I have, and work I shall. Adios amigos.

Gong Xi, welcoming the Year of the Flab

Red packets everywhere, hands exchanging bright oranges... Well-wishes, cheek kisses.

Ah, the sweet familiar scene of the Lunar New Year. I was back for this festive period in 2006, has it REALLY been 2 years already? And what a different kind of NY it was. I spent in with a new Somebody in my life (who btw, has NOT written ONE single post yet *HINT-HINT*) and got more acquainted with the in-laws (haha). I must say, it's been an exceptionally enjoyable new year. And for the first time in my life, I felt that the -break- was a well-deserved one.

Singapore's work culture is a very driven one, with competitive folk passionate about what they do, all with their own sets of ideals and aspirations for what they who they want to be. Well, almost everyone. There's a pretty damn big population of disgruntled Singaporeans who do nothing more than sit on their asses and complain. Yes, they whine and gripe about the same thing - cost of living, job scope, no work/life balance... the list goes on. Ok, so i'm guilty of doing my share of whinging but honestly, if it's within my control, then really, why be such a kao pei kao bu? I mean, think about it... if we didn't work so hard every second of every day of our life (yah, in the shower we work pretty hard at cleaning up and grooming too!) then how would we know how to enjoy a "break" when it fell upon us? It's like that theory, you know? How would we be able to know what happiness tastes like when we've never sampled sadness?

I believe after every thunderstorm, there shines a rainbow. It'll spring out of nowhere and appear in the most magical of ways. To be quite frank, after years of pretty bland CNY celebrations, I finally had a beautiful and memorable one. Too bad I forgot to take pics to mark the various occasions, but there was a myriad of tears and laughters, friends and family that will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I had a blast.

I lost some, I won some.

Ah heck, it's the New Year, what's a bit of friendly exchange between friends? My new principle in life I can try applying to everything else I suppose.

Be a little more giving, be a little less demanding. Appreciate the simple moments, when you get them, and make full use OF them. Worries of work piling up in the back of your head? Tell yourself that you'll get down to it after the get togethers are over. And make sure you do it.

Post-weekender Blues

When time is precious and it seems a long week ahead before I see her again, I feel the post-weekender Blues set in. I know this happens when I get the 1) grouchies and the 2) moodies. What's that you might ask? Well, the 'grouchies' is when I start picking on absolutely and entirely nothing.

I believe we all get the grouchies. You know, that irksome feeling of discontent, when nothing and yet everything troubles you. When you pick on that one special loved one in your life, and jeopardize each precious second you spend together.

The moodies start on a different note. They kick in about 2-3 hours after the grouchies have played up big time and you've already caused a mini-scene between the both of you. The sallow pining starts and your insides go "du-uh..." and it's a little ouch all over your brain, your heart.

Sigh. I've got a big case of both the grouchies and the moodies. I don't know why. Perhaps it's a "period-ical" (my own word, btw) thing. I feel so restless and the thought of Chinese New Year and relatives asking the same age-old question "oh, so what are you doing now?" or "are you seeing anyone" start popping up. And this time, I can't be straightforward. I can't answer in full. That kind of really sucks. Everything is picking at my dulled brain and I feel the damp gray mass within squish around noisily. Sometimes, especially of late, it gets painful to even think. Not that I have that much time to think anyway, since I always seem to be rushing from place to place. From one activity to another. Before you know it, the weekend is good and over.

Ugh. I've got to pull myself together and face another day. What can I say? I miss her.

Breaking free from the Mould

Belonging is something that people always want, something that it seems, almost everyone craves for. Yet at times, I meet people who make me wonder what is it they want? Why do they do the things that they do?

In a place like Singapore, we are quick to fault others, we jump to the occasion at pointing out someone's elses bad points, their faults, their weaknesses. We do so in order to make ourselves feel better than them, in a futile attempt to conceal our own insecurities and doubts. Singaporeans, despite their many complaints, are happy to whine about something and yet, not work to do anything to change it. Why? For fear of the authorities, for fear of public backlash, for fear that their own family members may cease to support them. This country seems to be run almost by an unspoken fear and not by communal respect. Saying this however, I am sure, that fellow countryman do love and respect our people in power very much. If not, then how can they still be running the country (and our lives) up until today? They do not face threat from an opposition party, their vote counts still remain strong. This point veers off my topic for today, and it's back to the idea of "belonging" once more.

Belonging to me is about acceptance. Acceptance from your loved ones, from the society you belong to, and lastly, from yourself. A seemingly confidant person may actually be an insecure emotional wreck internally, using the facade of strength and power to give others the illusion that they are in control of their lives, thus making them admirable in some sense and even likeable. In actuality, their confidence could be based on skills they have acquired precisely to boost their own appeal to others.

I don't believe that not chasing your dreams is the way to go. But if wanting to become a doctor, a lawyer... (and the list goes on) is solely because of your yearning for earning great sums of money, then I feel you and your career are headed on a downward spiral. And ultimately, end up at a hard, brick wall. Let me not criticize the loud and the noisy, I personally don't feel anything is wrong with that. Being slightly deaf and having an unusually loud voice myself, I tend to get slightly loud. I do feel though, that those that adopt the mindset that the "confident" louder personalities tend to be more accepted are hugely mistaken. And, as I've learnt over this weekend, belonging is more about giving yourself up to someone else entirely. Without fear of rejection, you put your trust in this person, with full confidence that the person will accept you. Not an easy feat if at times you tend to be overbearing!

Sadly, I feel we lack an understanding of this thinking here in Singapore. We are taught from young to work hard and achieve the best, to be the first in everything we do. Regardless of the people that we hurt along the way. The reasoning behind this is that it doesn't matter what the consequence to OTHERS of our actions, but we WILL be accepted because we have established ourselves as people others want to emulate and learn from. Don't get me wrong, I respect people who have worked hard to achieve much. But I feel that one should only embark in such a journey because they want to be a provider for others, and not flaunt their cash on useless cars or excessive displays of wealth. Live life simply and full. How can you accept yourself if your behaviour is less than acceptable? And if you cannot accept yourself, then how can you expect others to accept you much less feel that you belong to them, and them to you?


I hope I do not sound preachy, I am not one to preach, but only share my thoughts. And I ask for you to reflect on life and its many occurances. Examine WHY they happen and not WHY ME. Drink from the cup fills half full and not half empty. Everyone has their pot at the end of the rainbow - A sense of belonging. This is one dream you can chase, and the journey is one only you can pave a path for.

Ungraciously Singapore - Encouraging the devils to breed within our Nation

Living here - Why I get so put off.

Will somebody get them to shut up already?!?!?!?

Someone recently posted a blog touching on the topic of misbehaving parents in Singapore - this post linked to a letter in ST by a Mrs Tay, who was voicing a complaint about the rigid practices of a librarian in Singapore who refused her child entry to a story-telling session due to her age. There was a rather stupid comment (excuse my judgment, perhaps its a bad day, and his comment just irked me badly!) by an Anon. blogger who said the librarian should "lighten up" as these are KIDS we are dealing with, what's the big deal???

Jesus Christ.

What's the big deal about letting a pushy parent force entry for her child (aged 2 yrs and 4 mths) into a reading session meant for 5-6 yr olds or worse yet, sit IN for the reading session? I guess there isn't any big deal about opening a "floodgates" that may at the moment seem like a small issue, but fast forward a good 20 - 30 years, and I can guarantee that the kid will grow up to be yet another i) spoilt, ii) inconsiderate and iii) ill-mannered child. Oh big whoop. As if our country didn't have enough middle-aged (and mostly middle-class wannabe rich) inconsiderate louts pushing and shoving their way on the streets of Singapore! Yes, granted that the kid IS only barely hitting 3 yrs, but these are the most influential years of a toddlers life - they learn from their surroundings, and pick up vital life lessons in their childhood days. Whoever argues that childhood doesn't play a role in one's development is seriously short-sighted or hugely misinformed.

Ok, let's get things straight here. I'm not an angel myself, never have been, never will be. However, I believe basic courtesy, manners and consideration for people in OUR community are skills lacking in this so-called developed country. Come on Countrymen, are we that barbaric? Are we working so hard on building up wealth for ourselves that we've forgotten that only with a collective effort can a Nation live peacefully? It takes one rotten apple to turn a whole basket of fruits bad. Encouraging behavior such as that of Mrs Tay, and many other likeminded Kiasu Singaporean parents will only end up in more of such Types living here. Why do you think those that prefer the gracious world move overseas? It isn't usually the pull of money that drive citizens out of the country. It is the People.

Living Overseas - why I loved it so much more.

I had a good run of 6 years in Melbourne and during my stay there I experienced the Good, the Bad, the Ugly. And boy, is their ugly ever bad! However, their good seemed to overrun the bad. People don't give fierce stares if you bump into them at the supermarket aisle, they give a nod and say "you're alright". They greet each other in the lift with "G'day Mate". This may be diverging from the main stem of argument, but one incident chalked clearly in my memory is sitting in my apartment corridor with my dog and my neighbour and her dog. Her little cat (a stray she had rescued) had climbed into my unit over the balcony, and I had walked next door to pass it back. We both brought our doggies out to play and have a chat on the clean carpet. It didn't matter that we were of a different colour, or background. It didn't matter that we worked different jobs. It didn't matter that I actually hadn't known her name, until that day. :) What mattered was, that we were living side by side, and we both had little dogs of our own. Two male neighbours returned (TV presenters on a local news station) and they ended up standing there and having a little chat with us. Friendly words exchanged, it felt warm, cozy.. despite the cold winter breeze outside, and I felt so at home.

Colour of skin was never a real issue in Melbourne, Whites and Asians danced alongside each other at rave events. Interracial couples strolled hand in hand, as did same-sex couples, and no one seemed to blink an eye. Things that people here would stare at, or even mock, was seen as accepted there. People never judged. At least, not the ones that I had the chance to mix with. Though the cultural divide was quite great appearance wise - there were several Aussie friends who would comment on the texture of my skin, or how black my eyes were - we were all still Humans nonetheless. In a country where the One People Party once dominated, Australia has now opened up to immigrants, regardless of ethnicity. The Whites found us endearing and interesting, they enjoyed hearing our accents when we spoke in rapid English. They enjoyed hearing our descriptions of our various homelands. They enjoyed playing host to us, and they enjoyed us being there too.

As for standard of living, despite the article about a Sydney man dying alone, it didn't seem the case where I was living at. The elderly walked around looking pretty cheerful, hand in hand, holidaying in idyllic places. Or enjoying their morning cuppa at a quaint cafe. Cafe's that had tables free from "choping" with packets of tissue paper. Cafes where no service was charged for, but with waiters so engaged in your well-being that you simply had to tip 10% or more. You wouldn't get a parent wanting to "sit in" for a child's reading session and you definitely wouldn't get one writing in the national news quoting the Government as encouraging us to bring out kids for "reading activities". What pish-posh they'd say! And looking at how the public's (aussie) reacted to Corey Delany, the interviewer drew much flak than Corey by her insisting he take off his "famous" glasses and apologize nationally!

Conclusion

Well, Singaporeans don't look anywhere near to being a considerate nation which respects people, and Kiasu-ism is definitely NOT a dying trait. To me, I wish that the majority of locals who do nothing but rant and rave about how the government isn't doing enough would just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Because seriously, have a glance in the mirror and take those damned tinted glasses off, this isn't Oz and there aren't any ruby slippers here to save the munchkins from the Evil witch.

Holding hands: Girls + Girls

Girl talk
*warning: this is not a travel piece*

I spent my Saturday watching multiple seasons of L-word at my gf's house and although many "real" lesbians say that the show is not representative of the female gay community, I must admit that the writers of the show have cleverly scripted in issues faced by many - gay or straight. Of course, in a country like this where media laws remain strict and rigid, the average Joe (or Ah Seng, which might be what we can label heartlanders, no offence) will never be exposed to such portrayals of women on screen. Granted, scenes in this TV drama may prove too racy for many, but shouldn't there even be a choice in what people can buy off the shelves in the DVD store? Are people simply sheep that have to be led in their direction of thought? Whatever happened to personal choice? What happened to free will?

I've never seen myself as an activist of any sort. I just have an opinion, and most of the time, I stick to it. Me being stubborn as a mule. I am also resistant to other's opinions - this a fault I am still learning to overcome. A wise person gave me a tip for life the other day, and that is to always retain my childlike curiosity, and the willingness to learn and discover. Funny how in this country, we are encouraged to push boundaries of thought. Funny how the schools always stress for us to "think outside the box".

But is radical thinking really accepted in Singapore? Sadly, the answer is no.

A short while following my return to Singapore from liberal Australia, I witnessed the controversy surrounding Section 377A of the Penal Code, and the heated debate on whether a repeal was needed. How the gay life was portrayed in the media was shocking and biased. One sided and sounding overly Christian, the articles chose to explore the "dark" realms of homosexuality, and when there were opinions that sought to open one's mind to consider another kind of life, it was usually reserved for the back pages, or a much shorter prose. It saddened me that even those I love very much remain closed to the idea of an alternative life. It saddened me that they used Religion (Christianity, in particular) as a basis of argument. In one episode of L-Word, a hetero White male criticized homosexuality and said if his kids admitted to being gay, he would be terribly distraught. In response, Bette (a key strong figure in the series) questions a world of people who criticize a life they do not know, not because they care about the happiness about their children, but because they feel this Life is something that disagrees with their own belief. This was a powerful moment, and I understood where she was coming from fully. Question: Is it wrong to pose judgement on another simply because their lifestyle makes you feel uncomfortable? Is it wrong to want your own peace of mind more than another's happiness?

We aren't talking about crimes like paedophilia, or fetishes such as beastiality or SM. We're talking about a consentual act committed between two people. They may argue that the homo's life revolves around a more "free" and "loose" sex life, but I can also argue that a hetero's life doesn't seem to be much better. Straight people are just as into pre-marital sex and many being Christians even.

Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?

And so, in Sunny Sing, the massive contradiction lies in the way the leaders are trying to lead its people. We've always strived to be the best, our Kiasuism means that we cannot lose, we must always win. But we've already lost the race. MM Lee recently said in an interview that it wouldn't be in HIS lifetime that he would see Singapore transform into a gracious society. And though I agree, I also think that there are fundamental problems with our society. Problems that prevent us from growing and developing into a country with first world thinking.

I'm not into politics, never have been, never will be. But I am into equality. And I do want to live in a world made for equals. Some may laugh at my naive thinking. Simplistic it is, and overly idealistic. I never said I wasn't a dreamer. I wish I could do more. I wish Singapore became an accepting community. And then it can grow. It will develop. This country will not only be number one in terms of the country's reserves, but also number one in human rights beliefs. We are separated and segregated. If we aren't distinguished by our race, we are defined by our meritocracy. Our sexual orientation also sets us apart from each other. And as if this last one isn't the most obvious - into the Elite, and simply, Everybody else.

I digress. The main focus of this post was inspired by the issues covered in the L-Word. Those with a credit card and an Amazon account should seriously consider picking up a copy. Highly attractive androgynous Shane oozes sex appeal from each pore on her body and makes the show an entertaining watch. Apart from covering really in depth topics relating to lesbians, the show gets a thumbs up from me for having women take the seat and be The Focus for the series. I'm not talking some Desparate Housewives or Sex in the City fluffy fun (don't get me wrong, i LOVE SATC) as the L-Word is a gritty movie full of swear words and romps aplenty. For those that wish to see even more issues faced by gay people, Will & Grace is a lighthearted sitcom set in where else but the city that never sleeps - New York. A hilarious cast that will not fail to entertain, WIll & Grace also touches on serious issues beneath all that gay time (ouch, excuse the pun!).

2007 has opened up many doors, and I was shocked to see such a sensitive topic broached in the mainstream newspapers. Although biased and unreflective of reality, any coverage is better than no coverage. I have faith, in our country and its people. And I hope that in time, we will learn to grow. To grow with each other, to learn tolerance and acceptance. And most importantly, for each and every person to fly free and live their Dream.

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