1 April, 2013. Wow, how quickly time has flown by. I just got back from Chelle's 30th birthday, and Barry (Shan's 2nd half) asked how long I've been back and isn't it quick.
And so it has. I can't believe that I got back end June, 28 if I remember correctly, and that really it's been nine whole freaking months that I've been living in Singapore. Hard to believe, considering there are some days I just feel like it's all so new and different. Deedee's been with the Ees for now nearly eight months. Wow. So meaning Integra and I bid farewell a really REALLY long while ago.
Doing a brief scan of my situation now. How can I best describe what I'm going through, what I'm feeling at this point, this minute of my life. Let's see.. Maybe it'll be best to back track to a year ago, and what life was like then.
A year ago...
I was living in Melbourne, with Val and Clare and little Dustee. My life revolved around creating beautiful dishes for the three of us. For keeping dustee well shorn, and looked after. My days were filled with cycles down to St Kilda, to Brighton, to Port Melbourne... to evening long runs by the Tan. Or sometimes down to the Yarra River, to Albert Park... and then back home. Home to a little cozy two bedder along Dorcas Street. Yes, I had bills to pay, responsibilities to look after, and sometimes it felt like nothing much was going on. My relationship for one was something I had started to question just several months before.
Val kept me happy. She was someone that truly understood me. But more than just understanding me, she lived to keep me happy, and when I was happy, she was happy...and we generally kept a happy life together. Going for date nights, trying new food, having squabbles over Dustee's pee, Clare's unkept cup in the sink. We had our evening smokes, and our weekend laughs. We hung out with a group of gay boys, with my colleagues at Tourism Vic. We hung out with each other. It seemed that no matter how long we had been together, or how much time we spent together, we had so much to talk about. She wanted to share her dreams with me. And I wanted to share mine with her too. I wasn't afraid to tell her my innermost thoughts, or let her see me at my most vulnerable self.
But inside, I wondered if this was the right path. You see, my parents would never ever accept this life. They would never accept her. Or be able to see how happy she made me. My friends knew. They saw everything, and they loved her. As much as I loved her, sometimes I felt. We weren't afraid to tell each other we loved each other. We weren't afraid to show each other we loved each other. We wanted to travel the world together, to go great lengths. We wanted a life together.
And then, just like that. I decided to end it. I ended us. Called it off, just like that. Snap. Liz went through some cold feet moment after five years and chickened out. It hurt. I know it hurt her, and it sure did hurt me. It's soon going to be a year that it really ended but I still cry. And I still hurt. Does it cross my mind that I let something so precious go? Of course it does. Do I stop and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't gone and done it? Yes, for certain. Do I regret it? To that, I must admit I don't know. Because she could have given me the world, and me, I couldn't give her that back. Because of how my situation is.
I started this blog when we went to Cambodia. One of our first travels together. And a very special memory to me.
Now, one year on...
I'm with someone else. He's a guy, and he's my age and while he's special it just isn't the same. I question myself and my choice every day. I wonder whether I am over thinking things with him, or whether I just had a connection so deep and pure before that I can't reach that with anyone else. Ever, again. I keep telling myself to go easy on him. To let time take its course, and with each day together we can see through our issues,... But I'm getting tired of having to repeat this in my head and in my heart.
This blog was started for Us. And Us has ended... But this blog will continue. In it I will pen new memories, and new words for these memories. I have to give myself a chance to live again. To carve new journeys and to look ahead and never look back. I used to always be forward looking. I used to be carefree and fun loving and bubbly. I sometimes feel I've lost that part of me that keeps me happy.
And through this blog...and through my words, I hope to find it back.
Good night sunrise travellers.. I hope to start writing in you again, because maybe I need to get my outlet back.
Until the next post. x
